By Nicole L. Lawrence
Congratulations on your Engagement! I'm currently a newly wed (my husband and I have been married 9 months). It's a special time in your life but it also comes with new baggage. There's a major mix of emotions preparing for a Wedding, but more importantly preparing for a marriage. Here are some tips to help you get through.
1. Enjoy it
Your relationship took a big step. You get the joy of showing off your new ring, telling the romantic story, but more importantly you've officially agreed to spend the rest of your life with your special someone. It's a comforting feeling most of the time but occasionally overwhelming. I remember the beginning of my engagement was exciting. Then it was quickly followed with confusion. You're not just dating anymore, but you're also not married yet. It's like those awkward teenage years when you're not a kid, but you're also not an adult. Just think of it as 'mature dating'. You still do all the same things you did when you were dating, and you don't have the responsibility of being married yet. The biggest difference is that you know you're going to have a future together. Both of you have to start figuring out how to make two individual lives into one. I remember from the beginning I was anxious to get to the Wedding. Regardless, this is a rare, special time in your life. It goes by quickly, even though it doesn't always feel that way. Enjoy it while it lasts.
2. Don't make everything about the Wedding:
I know you're excited and overwhelmed because there is so much to do and so many decisions to make. However, you will drive yourself and your fiance and crazy if you constantly talk about the wedding. Specifically during the first couple of months don't rush things. The month before you get married the wedding is all you will hear, think and talk about. So at the beginning take it slow. Your groom in particular will appreciate it.
3. Keep waiting
Reality check: When you get married you're going to have sex. Since you are engaged you likely feel closer and your connection feels stronger. During your intimate moments it's harder to resist crossing lines you had when you were dating. In the moment your emotions can make your judgement foggy. Your mind becomes selfish and you start convincing yourself that since you're going to get married it's seems meaningless to wait. It's a challenge, but you should keep reminding each together why it's important for you to continue to abstain. Your wedding night won't likely be the most smooth and romantic night you share, but it's still worth the wait. Truth is God created sex for marriage, so if you're not married you're NOT ready.
HOWEVER: You may struggle with the opposite problem, in which you're nervous about sex. You've always though of it as dirty, sinful or struggle with self esteem. Now that you are in a serious relationship it's time to start renewing your point of view. God made sex to be a blessing. A connection between a husband and wife that makes them closer to than any other person in their lives, and gives them the opportunity to start a family. Start talking about it with each other. It may feel awkward at first, but if you can't even talk about it your wedding night could be disastrous. Also, start to love your body. If your future spouse is truly worthy of you, they will love you the way you are. Honestly they'll probably love your body more than you ever have. Confidence is sexy! I suggest buying yourself cute undergarments (I'm not talking about lingerie, you're not there yet). But start seeing yourself as a sexy, desirable women.
4. Keep getting to know each other
Even though you've been dating for long enough that you feel ready to spend a lifetime together, that doesn't mean you know everything about each other. That a great thing! Even when you're married you won't know everything about spouse. There is still mystery in your relationship, and mystery is exciting! Don't stop learning new things about your fiance.
5. Let the Groom help with the planning
There is a joke out there saying the wedding is for the bride and the honeymoon is for the groom. It's commonly perceived the wedding is the Bride's day. It makes sense because she does majority of the planning, attends the showers and her family is usually covering the bill. Plus, little girls are more likely to dream about their wedding day over little boys. It's understandable why the bride is the center of attention at a wedding. However, a wedding is a celebration of the couple. It's about coming together and making their commitment public before their friends and family, but most importantly God. Basically this is the Groom's day too. Believe it or not, some guys do think about their wedding day. Find out what's important to him. He may not make the final decisions but at least let him know what the choices are and opportunities to give his opinion.
6. Let your Mom help with the planning
Again, it is the Bride's Day but she usually isn't the one paying for it. I'm just going to put this out there, whoever is paying for the wedding has a say in what happens. Mom's in particular are known for being too controlling and opinionated. Yes, it's your day but remember that your mother has also dreamed of planning your wedding together. Even if your parents approve of your relationship that doesn't makes it any easier for them to let you go. You're moving on to start a new family and that's commonly particularly hard for the bride's parents. Unfortunately, there are cases where the mother of the bride is being selfish, narrow minded or using their daughter's wedding to make up for not having the wedding they wanted. In most cases your Mom just wants to a part of your big day before she lets you go.
7. Stand up for yourself and choose people who do the same
If you tend to be a person who likes to please others, I myself am a push-over, when it comes to planning a wedding you have to put your foot down. It's a great trait to be selfless and have compassion for others feelings; however, your wedding day is going to be more important to you than anyone else. Let this be the a rare time in your life where it gets to be about you. When it comes to weddings everyone has their own opinion, so it's impossible to please everyone. Pick people who are going to support you. I've heard of cases where a bridesmaid refused to be in a wedding if she didn't approve of the bridesmaids dress....rude. If people are going to make their satisfaction a priority over yours, they're not worth it. You may be sweet and have good intentions, but let it be about you for just a few hours.
8. Make your health a priority
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. You don't have to be a size 2 to look beautiful in a wedding dress, but you should still take good care of yourself.
Personal story: I chose my wedding dress 9 months before the big day. It wasn't super form fitting but it definitely showed off my curves. It needed alterations so I tried it on about 3 months before the big day and it looked great. As I was getting closer to the wedding I started to get stressed which caused me to binge eat A LOT. Then 1 month before the wedding my worst nightmare came true. I tried on my dress and IT WOULDN'T ZIP! I had to go on a super diet and go to the gym at least an hour everyday. Honestly, I had only gained 12 pounds but that makes a big difference in a wedding gown.
Moral of the story, watch your figure. Please do not starve yourself or start an extreme workout program. I just recommend watching what you eat and maybe get a little toned. You are going to cherish those pictures for the rest of your life, so you should enjoy the way you look in them.
P.S. I did yoga every night a month before the wedding and helped me relax and sleep better.
9. Get Premarital counseling
Some churches require counseling before getting married at their building, but if that's not the case I still highly recommend going to counseling together. Some people find counseling to be embarrassing, and only necessary if you have problems. Reality is premarital counseling is about gaining perceptive on what to expect when you get married, and preventing problems before they've even begun.
10. Get used to pooping with him around
Fact of the matter is when you live together you are going to share a bathroom. Some newly weds, brides in particular, struggle to get comfortable with this. Just start getting used to it now. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will realize it's not a big deal. Little secret, guys know girls poop and they really don't care
11. Start talking about the future
It's likely you've already talked about your future since you've agree you want yours to be spent with that special someone. Now that it's official, it's time to get down to business. For example:
a. Who is going to the primary provider?
b. Are they in debt?
c. Are you willing to move if they choose a school in a different location, or get a job far away from friends and family?
d. Who does what chores?
e. Do they want a pet? If so, what?
f. How many kids do they want?
g. Do they want to wait to have kids? If so, how long?
These are just examples. Most of these question won't make or break your marriage. Plus, life is full of curveballs so you won't be ready for everything, but make sure there is no unexpected cracks that could be damaging to your relationship down the road. Marriage is not like a fairytale where after the wedding it's happily ever after. That's when it's just getting started, so start planning now.
12. Welcome the In-Laws
It's no secret when you marry someone you marry their family. It does not have to be the stereotype situation where you don't get along with your future in-laws. Make a point of getting to know them and spending time together. They're going to be different from your family which will sometimes make you uncomfortable, but you try your best to put it aside. Remember, you probably seem weird to them sometimes. Also, keep in mind your fiance has to deal with your family, so treat his family with the same respect you want him to show your family. In-laws are going to be in your life, so make the best of it.
13. Keep Trying
Even though you have the ring it doesn't mean you have to give up on your appearance. At this point I'm sure your fiance has seen you at your best and your worst, including appearance. It's a wonderful feeling when you're comfortable in front of him without make up, baggy clothes, dirty hair and somehow he still thinks you're beautiful. Still, it's nice to occasionally make an effort. I'm not just talking about dates either. Even if he's just coming over to your place brush your hair, wear a cute blouse instead of your sweatshirt, and put on some mascara. I know it's annoying but he'll appreciate that you're making an effort for him.
P.S. I recommend you bring this tip over into your marriage.
14. Don't ignore reoccurring doubts
A few weeks after I got engaged my Mom and I had a great conversation about my relationship with my fiance. She was supportive of our relationship, but she still took the time to tell me if I had any uncertainty about the wedding I always had a choice to say no. I appreciated her for saying that because I knew it came from a place of love.
Most brides don't heard that, so they don't realize that option it there.
Engagements are not permanent. Everyone has doubts before getting married. It's a big decision so don't feel guilty if you begin getting cold feet. In fact, you'd be crazy to willingly change your life in such a drastic way without second thoughts. The best thing you do is talk to each other about your fears and concerns. Even if you think it will hurt their feelings, they're likely going to be the best person to help you relax. They may even surprise you because they share your doubts.
However, if the same problems continue to come up or you have serious hesitations about your fiance don't ignore that. Once you say yes you still have the power to take it back. It's a lot easier to go through a breakup than a divorce. Don't feel ashamed for cancelling a wedding because it will spare a lot of people, but most importantly yourself trouble later on.
15. Make God first
I saved this for last because it's the most important advice I can give you. Hopefully while you were dating you already made God the foundation of your relationship, but now it's more important than ever for you to put God before each other. You will be doing this for the rest of your lives so it's good to start now. I suggest you start your own Bible study between the two of you, or reading a spiritual book together (I recommend The Love Dare). Worship together, pray together and constantly pray for each other. If you do it during your engagement you will be surprised the blessing that will cross over into your marriage.
Congratulations on your Engagement! I'm currently a newly wed (my husband and I have been married 9 months). It's a special time in your life but it also comes with new baggage. There's a major mix of emotions preparing for a Wedding, but more importantly preparing for a marriage. Here are some tips to help you get through.
1. Enjoy it
Your relationship took a big step. You get the joy of showing off your new ring, telling the romantic story, but more importantly you've officially agreed to spend the rest of your life with your special someone. It's a comforting feeling most of the time but occasionally overwhelming. I remember the beginning of my engagement was exciting. Then it was quickly followed with confusion. You're not just dating anymore, but you're also not married yet. It's like those awkward teenage years when you're not a kid, but you're also not an adult. Just think of it as 'mature dating'. You still do all the same things you did when you were dating, and you don't have the responsibility of being married yet. The biggest difference is that you know you're going to have a future together. Both of you have to start figuring out how to make two individual lives into one. I remember from the beginning I was anxious to get to the Wedding. Regardless, this is a rare, special time in your life. It goes by quickly, even though it doesn't always feel that way. Enjoy it while it lasts.
2. Don't make everything about the Wedding:
I know you're excited and overwhelmed because there is so much to do and so many decisions to make. However, you will drive yourself and your fiance and crazy if you constantly talk about the wedding. Specifically during the first couple of months don't rush things. The month before you get married the wedding is all you will hear, think and talk about. So at the beginning take it slow. Your groom in particular will appreciate it.
3. Keep waiting
Reality check: When you get married you're going to have sex. Since you are engaged you likely feel closer and your connection feels stronger. During your intimate moments it's harder to resist crossing lines you had when you were dating. In the moment your emotions can make your judgement foggy. Your mind becomes selfish and you start convincing yourself that since you're going to get married it's seems meaningless to wait. It's a challenge, but you should keep reminding each together why it's important for you to continue to abstain. Your wedding night won't likely be the most smooth and romantic night you share, but it's still worth the wait. Truth is God created sex for marriage, so if you're not married you're NOT ready.
HOWEVER: You may struggle with the opposite problem, in which you're nervous about sex. You've always though of it as dirty, sinful or struggle with self esteem. Now that you are in a serious relationship it's time to start renewing your point of view. God made sex to be a blessing. A connection between a husband and wife that makes them closer to than any other person in their lives, and gives them the opportunity to start a family. Start talking about it with each other. It may feel awkward at first, but if you can't even talk about it your wedding night could be disastrous. Also, start to love your body. If your future spouse is truly worthy of you, they will love you the way you are. Honestly they'll probably love your body more than you ever have. Confidence is sexy! I suggest buying yourself cute undergarments (I'm not talking about lingerie, you're not there yet). But start seeing yourself as a sexy, desirable women.
4. Keep getting to know each other
Even though you've been dating for long enough that you feel ready to spend a lifetime together, that doesn't mean you know everything about each other. That a great thing! Even when you're married you won't know everything about spouse. There is still mystery in your relationship, and mystery is exciting! Don't stop learning new things about your fiance.
5. Let the Groom help with the planning
There is a joke out there saying the wedding is for the bride and the honeymoon is for the groom. It's commonly perceived the wedding is the Bride's day. It makes sense because she does majority of the planning, attends the showers and her family is usually covering the bill. Plus, little girls are more likely to dream about their wedding day over little boys. It's understandable why the bride is the center of attention at a wedding. However, a wedding is a celebration of the couple. It's about coming together and making their commitment public before their friends and family, but most importantly God. Basically this is the Groom's day too. Believe it or not, some guys do think about their wedding day. Find out what's important to him. He may not make the final decisions but at least let him know what the choices are and opportunities to give his opinion.
6. Let your Mom help with the planning
Again, it is the Bride's Day but she usually isn't the one paying for it. I'm just going to put this out there, whoever is paying for the wedding has a say in what happens. Mom's in particular are known for being too controlling and opinionated. Yes, it's your day but remember that your mother has also dreamed of planning your wedding together. Even if your parents approve of your relationship that doesn't makes it any easier for them to let you go. You're moving on to start a new family and that's commonly particularly hard for the bride's parents. Unfortunately, there are cases where the mother of the bride is being selfish, narrow minded or using their daughter's wedding to make up for not having the wedding they wanted. In most cases your Mom just wants to a part of your big day before she lets you go.
7. Stand up for yourself and choose people who do the same
If you tend to be a person who likes to please others, I myself am a push-over, when it comes to planning a wedding you have to put your foot down. It's a great trait to be selfless and have compassion for others feelings; however, your wedding day is going to be more important to you than anyone else. Let this be the a rare time in your life where it gets to be about you. When it comes to weddings everyone has their own opinion, so it's impossible to please everyone. Pick people who are going to support you. I've heard of cases where a bridesmaid refused to be in a wedding if she didn't approve of the bridesmaids dress....rude. If people are going to make their satisfaction a priority over yours, they're not worth it. You may be sweet and have good intentions, but let it be about you for just a few hours.
8. Make your health a priority
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. You don't have to be a size 2 to look beautiful in a wedding dress, but you should still take good care of yourself.
Personal story: I chose my wedding dress 9 months before the big day. It wasn't super form fitting but it definitely showed off my curves. It needed alterations so I tried it on about 3 months before the big day and it looked great. As I was getting closer to the wedding I started to get stressed which caused me to binge eat A LOT. Then 1 month before the wedding my worst nightmare came true. I tried on my dress and IT WOULDN'T ZIP! I had to go on a super diet and go to the gym at least an hour everyday. Honestly, I had only gained 12 pounds but that makes a big difference in a wedding gown.
Moral of the story, watch your figure. Please do not starve yourself or start an extreme workout program. I just recommend watching what you eat and maybe get a little toned. You are going to cherish those pictures for the rest of your life, so you should enjoy the way you look in them.
P.S. I did yoga every night a month before the wedding and helped me relax and sleep better.
9. Get Premarital counseling
Some churches require counseling before getting married at their building, but if that's not the case I still highly recommend going to counseling together. Some people find counseling to be embarrassing, and only necessary if you have problems. Reality is premarital counseling is about gaining perceptive on what to expect when you get married, and preventing problems before they've even begun.
10. Get used to pooping with him around
Fact of the matter is when you live together you are going to share a bathroom. Some newly weds, brides in particular, struggle to get comfortable with this. Just start getting used to it now. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will realize it's not a big deal. Little secret, guys know girls poop and they really don't care
11. Start talking about the future
It's likely you've already talked about your future since you've agree you want yours to be spent with that special someone. Now that it's official, it's time to get down to business. For example:
a. Who is going to the primary provider?
b. Are they in debt?
c. Are you willing to move if they choose a school in a different location, or get a job far away from friends and family?
d. Who does what chores?
e. Do they want a pet? If so, what?
f. How many kids do they want?
g. Do they want to wait to have kids? If so, how long?
These are just examples. Most of these question won't make or break your marriage. Plus, life is full of curveballs so you won't be ready for everything, but make sure there is no unexpected cracks that could be damaging to your relationship down the road. Marriage is not like a fairytale where after the wedding it's happily ever after. That's when it's just getting started, so start planning now.
12. Welcome the In-Laws
It's no secret when you marry someone you marry their family. It does not have to be the stereotype situation where you don't get along with your future in-laws. Make a point of getting to know them and spending time together. They're going to be different from your family which will sometimes make you uncomfortable, but you try your best to put it aside. Remember, you probably seem weird to them sometimes. Also, keep in mind your fiance has to deal with your family, so treat his family with the same respect you want him to show your family. In-laws are going to be in your life, so make the best of it.
13. Keep Trying
Even though you have the ring it doesn't mean you have to give up on your appearance. At this point I'm sure your fiance has seen you at your best and your worst, including appearance. It's a wonderful feeling when you're comfortable in front of him without make up, baggy clothes, dirty hair and somehow he still thinks you're beautiful. Still, it's nice to occasionally make an effort. I'm not just talking about dates either. Even if he's just coming over to your place brush your hair, wear a cute blouse instead of your sweatshirt, and put on some mascara. I know it's annoying but he'll appreciate that you're making an effort for him.
P.S. I recommend you bring this tip over into your marriage.
14. Don't ignore reoccurring doubts
A few weeks after I got engaged my Mom and I had a great conversation about my relationship with my fiance. She was supportive of our relationship, but she still took the time to tell me if I had any uncertainty about the wedding I always had a choice to say no. I appreciated her for saying that because I knew it came from a place of love.
Most brides don't heard that, so they don't realize that option it there.
Engagements are not permanent. Everyone has doubts before getting married. It's a big decision so don't feel guilty if you begin getting cold feet. In fact, you'd be crazy to willingly change your life in such a drastic way without second thoughts. The best thing you do is talk to each other about your fears and concerns. Even if you think it will hurt their feelings, they're likely going to be the best person to help you relax. They may even surprise you because they share your doubts.
However, if the same problems continue to come up or you have serious hesitations about your fiance don't ignore that. Once you say yes you still have the power to take it back. It's a lot easier to go through a breakup than a divorce. Don't feel ashamed for cancelling a wedding because it will spare a lot of people, but most importantly yourself trouble later on.
15. Make God first
I saved this for last because it's the most important advice I can give you. Hopefully while you were dating you already made God the foundation of your relationship, but now it's more important than ever for you to put God before each other. You will be doing this for the rest of your lives so it's good to start now. I suggest you start your own Bible study between the two of you, or reading a spiritual book together (I recommend The Love Dare). Worship together, pray together and constantly pray for each other. If you do it during your engagement you will be surprised the blessing that will cross over into your marriage.